the middle

i paused, looking at ganesh. his brows furrowed he pursued his lips still munching on what i said. but before he could give his view, the doorbell rang. no one wanted to move, lest the state of equilibrium be disturbed. but i moved, along the way glanced at her pretty eyes wondering when she will look at me like she did that night.

as i opened the door, a energetic voice bundled through the door. it was manasa. she punched me on my shoulders for my tease the other day. well i knew her emotions for ganesh but i didnt tell much to him directly. she went directly to the kitchen , to help herself to some samosas.

manasa knew there was always a different feeling in this apartment, but today it was more than normal. as she bit the samosas she heard the familiar voice of ganesh booming in the room. not lest surprised she rather enjoyed his bombastic voice. "i guess we are talking about being independently making a choice as opposed to we being independent. though on second thoughts they seem to inter related. so when we say we dont have a choice, like free will which makes life deterministic but are we talking about there are choices and humans have the ability to choose independently of other external factors." summing up the inherent fuzziness of the conversation he got back to his beer while manasa distributed the samosas around and sat down next to him.

free will

http://beta-lab.nl/content/my-debunked-reality

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/02/science/02free.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2&

the begining

the mood was pensive, the snow was filling up the streets with what humanity increasingly showed. coldness. i rather lay on the couch to welcome the start of yet another weekend that would no doubt be filled with laziness and self introspection on the utility of achieving. i looked at her, she didnt say much. she was deep in her own thoughts figuring out how to survive another week of exams which might be highly irrelevant to her cause.

"i am done." muthu said striding out of his room. with a sense of achievement and happiness visible on his face he walked to the fridge to pull out some beers. he looked around and questioned. i nodded my head, and ganesh still staring at his laptop held out his hand for the touch of that cold steel to warm his body. she didnt acknowledge and muthu didnt care.

i smiled and exclaimed, "to this semester but muthu you didnt care to join us yesterday to the bar". taking a sip, he nonchalantly replied as is his wont, "didnt do anything and i wanted to achieve something before going out to party". she shrugged her shoulders and looked at him questioning his rationale. ganesh perked up, ""so is this a start of another discussion".

her sweet voice filled my senses but i didnt look at her, least her lips seduce me all over again setting me on the path of self destruction. "is this after you read fountainhead or were you always like this" she said slowly. and i knew here comes another self indulgent monologue filled with half thought ideals. he launched into his new found philosophy, "yes ... its incredible, it inspires me. the single minded devotion to your passion. the single minded approach to what you want to do and achieve. being completely independent of everyone". she listened in rapt attention but i knew there was always a question lurking around somewhere. knowing her, her unquestionable ability to question everything and her capacity to accept conflicting views which in the first place made me fall in love with her, i knew she wont take it easily. but i was surprised. "i dont know what to make of it. its intense in a good way but i am not sure if such extreme ideas are beneficial in the long run". i looked at her quizzingly after our intense conversations into the darkest hours of the night. when she finally kissed me and filled my brain with her intelligence i knew maybe here is someone who finally challenges me. someone who i could forget wanting to impress and be with. then i never expected her to question that night, that night of us. i let it go. maybe time will give me her answer. i still loved how her hair fell slightly on her shoulders. i shrugged off the thoughts to hear ganesh speaking.

".... again i am not saying its the only way but i feel strongly about it too." always the pacifist ganesh's middle ground appealed to me but then i knew i was no pacifist myself. "muthu for one, how can you say you can be completely independent. how can you say you can independent decisions. i think its the biggest bullshit and illusion fed to men of intelligence to boost their ego. unfortunately i was there once too ... "  muthu interrupted, "yes i am independent. the choices i make are independent of anyone else. i do what i want to and i make choices that i want to." with a smug expression on his face he sat opposite to me. "you are not" i said, "your birth is the biggest example of how you cannot be independent. you are born and you are bound to the one who gave you birth. if she had chose to not give birth to you, you as a person would not exist. acknowledge that your existence is due to your parents. they raised you and provided you with food, shelter and love. that for me is another example. if they had not done what they did you would not be what you are today." muthu's expression softened a bit, his arrogance replaced by a sly understanding of those words. she looked at me, she thought about that night. she loved him but she slowly realized maybe his love can only be temporary. he was beyond her human limitations of understanding, he was far too intuitive for her to realize there would come a day when he would no longer be challenged by her. that would break her entire world completely. she loved him from her soul and that was the most terrifying part.

with understanding comes humbleness, the fact that we are still a very small lever in this big universe of unknown forces. but still we are significant enough in our own way to feel our own presence in the eyes of others.

"see, i understand all that." i knew he said it as an afterthought, not really understanding what i want to say, but merely to justify his stance. "but i mean right now i am independent, apart from those years when its natural to be dependent after a certain point i am and we all should be independent." i laughed a bit knowing where exactly we are going, "so our claim to be dependent or independent is totally upto our conveniance. so our choice to determine when we deem ourselves to be independent which is rather contradictory. for me the day i realized my existence is a product of my parents, all thoughts of being independent vanished. it made me realize that i can no longer arrogantly claim that i am an independent man."

shakespeare in love

what is of love that makes men go soft
what is that love that makes the world disappear

cause there is no love,
like the love of two lovers swoon.

the love is both fury and passion
of untold desires
and unquenched thirst

its of silent understanding
and breathless moments
its of timeless conversations
and easy laughter

like a storm that calms those raging waves
its the icey winds on the hottest day
the feeling of being overwhelmed in the rains

its of moments when you look in the eye
and gently holding hands
its of holding the cheek with fingers
and brushing the strands of hair

like the volcano of deep trembling lips
the magnetic attraction of bodies drawn closer
while the heart feels nothing else
and the mind thinks nothing else

of untouched temptations
and raging desire
while the body shivers like a guitar string
in an innocent expression of love

he who feels the love
will want to be anyone else
or want anything else 
anything less will be a parody of love itself

quotable quotes

inspiration requires words from a friend or from literature.


Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

What you envision in your mind, how you see yourself, and how you envision the world around you is of great importance because those things become your focus.

That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day

“At some point in life you have to face your fears, and head on even though you can’t be sure of the outcome. A great deal of people will never reach their dreams and it won’t have anything to do with their ability or skill set. They won’t reach their dreams because they were too afraid to try.”

“If I had never taken the test, I could always say I would have passed if I had taken it, I just did not feel like taking it. That way I would never have to face my fears and I could create this illusion in my mind to prevent me from feeling like a failure. I was good at that.”

  
Love who you love while you have them. That’s all you can do. Let them go when you must. If you know how to love, you’ll never run out.

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.

“Love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a bandage for dirty sores. But they don't know it. Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it - total passion for the total height - you're incapable of anything less.”


“I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.”


 “make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

do you know how it feels like to meet someone and talk without straining, without squeezing like the vacuum from a tube.

as it rained

he climbed down the stairs with the books in his hand. the stairs were slightly broken at the edges after long years of existence, the walls of the building badly required a painting job. brown stains probably from the watchmans paan chewing habits. with a song on his lips of the latest hindi hit he nonchalantly walked out the building. he wanted to come back and play his favourite game on the courtyard of his building with his friends. the buzz in the air was starting. school was ending and all kids were on the verge of starting their evening adventures. he walked down the road, it was sloping downwards which led to the chawls at the end. cars were parked on both sides of the road leaving a little space in the middle for people to walk. there never was any traffic in these interior streets of the swirling chaos that made up bombay.

he walked down rapidly knowing he was a bit late. it was a familiar sight, with a familiar pattern on both sides of the road. high rise buildings with balconies, clothes were lined on them for drying in this hot indian sun. he wondered how many of his friends were behind those doors reading or watching television. he wondered how many cute girls were preparing themselves for the evening. his thoughts wandered to the exams next week. he needed to study hard, didnt want any more harsh words from his parents .. or his teachers or his private lessons tutor. he walked past the garbage dumping ground which reeked smell that only the stray dogs found attractive.

as he wound around the chawls, he saw the "bhaiyyas" as they were termed were still sleeping in afternoon bliss. he could see their stomachs rhythmically vibrating to the snores, he wondered if they drank too much milk to cause it. as he emerged he saw the bustling part of his neighborhood, small shops, buses chugging past him, the autorickshaws waiting for their customers, not to mention the herd of buffaloes making their way to the shed. springing past and almost jogging he reached his private lessons. he rang the bell, focussing on the lessons to be read and the door opened. the girl opened the door and ran away instantly. he lost his thoughts for a bit ... it was her. in a red chudidhaar she looked lovely. he felt a warm happy fuzzy feeling rise in him. he entered the room where 16 students were crammed into, with books in hand and seriously reading for the exams next week. he looked around , smiled at her a bit .. and got down to reading.


"just wait for me after class can you". he nodded his head quietly lest anyone else heard them. there was nothing secretive about it, but somehow when the girl in your heart even says a couple of words its guarded zealously like the gold mines location. he put on his shoes and waited outside the door. in a bit she came out and smiled radiantly. she had to come up with an excuse, that she had to cook something up to talk to him which wont show her affection for him so openly. she was a little nervous but happy he was there waiting for her. he was kinda cute but shy. he hardly spoke to girls but his eyes were large and kind and beautiful. his smile was restrained like holding a jar of chocolates. she grabbed his hand without thinking and led him to the top of the building.

his heart skipped a beat, he looked at her hand holding his and a sweet sensation swept through his body. he momentarily forgot that his friends were waiting for him to play his game. he momentarily forgot he had to go back home. he momentarily forgot everything.

she opened the door to the terrace and the warm breeze greeted them. welcoming them to an age of innocence. she turned around and said, well i know you study well so can you help me with these lessons. she hoped that he wouldnt see through her excuse, that she was convincing as she said it. he nodded his head and they sat down. he didnt mind helping her, as he watched the sunrays play with her soft skin, her radiant black eyes lighting up everytime she got a right answer, her hands slowly turning the pages of the book over. her slender figure wrapped in that red chudidhaar she arced back everytime to look up towards the sky as if praying for the gods to rain.

and suddenly it did, like only in india. a sudden downpour with no warning, heavy rains that drenched them in seconds. he waited for a bit to look at her as the raindrops fell on her cheeks. then covering the books they ran to safety. he was wet, she was shivering.

with a smile she kissed him. he held her close and suddenly he blurted "i love you". it was the innocent expression of a 15 year old boy to a 14 year old girl. he knew neither its meaning nor its definition nor what was expected from him. but he knew that was the only way he could let her know about his affection for her. she laughed and kissed his cheek again.