tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-303499432024-02-20T09:09:02.163-08:00soul searchingfor questions that will be never answered .. for thoughts you cant share with anyone ... the one minute when you look into the mirror at your true naked self !void_spaceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08030851814129446536noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30349943.post-60507888020984138982017-07-17T14:36:00.000-07:002017-07-17T14:36:07.917-07:00Parting one<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
He spoke on the phone like the good old days. Its called good old days for a reason .. he still remembered her walking into the room 15 years ago. A blue dress, hair to the side she was late to class. He couldnt take his eyes off her. In this world of instant gratification and vacillating beliefs, that was a world of precious few. Her smile, his first visit to her house, her tease, his incorrigible sarcasm. They thought they had a lifetime to play, to decide. In that world there was no tomorrow. There was a beauty to the naivety of it all.<br />
<br />
One thinks there is a lot of time. So did he, so did she. But the 4 years, 48 months flew away in the winds of life. Days turned into weeks, turned into months and years. A trip here, and a walk there. A sense of beginning, a sense of comfort. Laughs, and complaints. Playful moments, stealing a glance. She always took his breath away. She was serene, calm, collected. The months were spent in talking about sweet nothings, among serious grades, wanton movies .. there was a sense of more to come.<br />
<br />
And then suddenly life decided to take charge. Decisions had to be made, life changing ones. There was no time for sweet nothings anymore. The straws slipped from the fingers as one tried in desperation to hold onto whats precious. Confused between the heart and mind. What one thought was freedom, was merely postponing the inevitable. Her eyes, her voice when she spoke to him. He decided to not hear them, the hidden plea. She knew it was her only chance. He knew that his chance just began. She looked forward to a barren land, he saw a field of grass. Hearts were broken, friendships tested and what remained was the sense to survive in the world outside the comfort of education.<br />
<br />
It was time to get back to life, life comes as a circle. He found the barren land at the end of the field.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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the true profoundness hit him. as he sat there , the snow covered miles in front of his window. The snowflakes danced to the tunes , from cosmos to the atoms .. the very existence manifested in that snowfall. He would himself up on the couch to understand what he understood, so that it never escaped him. not for a moment.<br />
<br />
sitting there he went back to a time when it hit him once. briefly, for 3 days in a space created by accident not by design. he was not seeking for it then. But in hindsight he was a seeker. The first sign was when he felt at unease in a corporate boundary.<br />
<br />
Enlightened I stood,<br />
exposed by sheer ignorance.<br />
<br />
The vanity of knowledge<br />
and certainity<br />
and rightfulness<br />
is humbled by<br />
sheer vastness of existence<br />
<br />
In the middle i stand<br />
of ignorance<br />
I am anything but sad<br />
Wrapped around is bliss<br />
as the facade of me is broken<br />
<br />
As i seek to know<br />
realization dawns of the journey sofar<br />
is not the end, but the beginning<br />
of a journey to experience<br />
life as life itself.<br />
life, not life and that which is not.</div>
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was he waging a losing battle ? fighting against all the odds. it was his dream. he didn't know if he could let it go ? he was not sure if it was that important at all, his dream .. his thought whatever one could call it. was it so important that he had to resist to live the life of a normal human being as defined within the borders of his society. what is dream after all, a figment of an imagination ... an illusion of the mind probably ... formed in an instant by some irrational reaction to a abnormal event ... dreams , is it worth the sacrifice ? is satisfaction of ones own personal selfish dreams above human relationships really a solution ? he had no answers.<br />
<br />
he didn't have an option. he didn't know if he had an option. he didn't know if he could have an option.<br />
<br />
what did the conflict within him arise from ? from what really ? he underestimated the impact of the overwhelming influence one can have from his peers. to conform. to be normal. not be an outlier.<br />
<br />
he took the seat at the restaurant .. he looked at it from his window always. mite restaurant , seemed good sushi. never tried it. bathing in the warm sunshine his eyes were on the small little boy in front of him trying to ride a bicycle. if only he could be as ignorant as the small boy and life be so simple as the bicycle .. he would start over a thousand times everytime he fell of the bicycle.<br />
<br />
it was a sacrifice. he didn't understand who is making the sacrifice. him. them. if only knew it would be easier. he was on the verge of making the jump into the league ... something that he always ever wanted. change the world. he was not satisfied with incremental progress in non consequential domain. he was just away from grasping the opportunity that can change the world. how long could he fight the feeling inside him.<br />
<br />
a voice interrupted him , "can i get you something , have you decided on what you want to eat ?". he smiled. he had no clue actually. he smiled sheepishly and replied "how does one know what one wants ? ".... "you look lost and maybe you don't know what you want, but truly you knew it before even coming here ... look within yourself and you will find it , just be it." she replied. </div>
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he wrote but with a dread. there was nothing else he could write about, it was always the same thing .. the same thing. but he dreaded if someone would read it and read him.<br />
<br />
from his words , his stories. he didn't want to give that joy , give that satisfaction that his writing meant something. it did , but it shouldn't.<br />
<br />
he masked it into layers and layers of deception. only he could peel through it. maybe this too.<br />
<br />
he wanted to reveal it only if it was revealed to him. it doesn't work that way.</div>
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he sat there in disbelief. not much of disbelief but of silent disappointment. he thought the timing would be right , little did he realize that he would lose in space.<br />
<br />
there is a thing about space time uncertainity that is applicable to everything in life and universe. is it only at the sub atomic level or even the neurons in our brain or the perception itself ... or even emotions.</div>
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the snow covered all that your eyes could set sight on. for miles and miles you could only see some trees in between this infinite sheet of pristine white clad mountains. if one lay still waiting to catch the sound of something, anything one would be disappointed. the pitch darkness enveloped much of the surroundings in its mystery waiting for that momentary lapse of reason to showcase its minute of breathtaking beauty. he lay still , breathing slowly and looking into the infinite star studded sky that had taken him by surprise this moment. the coldness of the environment slowly seeped into his thick boots , through his socks and into his skin. numbing his body slowly it made him aware of the hostile conditions in which beauty existed.<br />
<br />
ahoy he heard the call to enter back into the tent. he stood up slowly , looking at the light green envelope on the sky playing with his eyes. he trudged his way in those heavy jacket slowly across into the tent. a bright fire with 10 eyes on him welcomed him into the tent. taking of his gloves and cap he clasped the hot tea like everyone else was drinking to warm their chill bones. the conversation reverberated in this wooden tent as he made sense of the day so far ... slowly and then scream, its here he heard. as if on a cue everybody got up to populate the cold exteriors.<br />
<br />
as he emerged the vision filled his two tiny eyes. what was before just a pale green vision in the sky was now a shimmering green curtain sprayed across the canvas of sky. as he made his way to a vantage point , his eyes were fixated at the vision above him. it was just surreal, it was like nothing he had ever seen before. the sky lit up all the way to the top with colors of green and a tinge of red at the bottom. and slowly as if to show off what it can do with much pride , the arcs of green patterns started dancing in the sky. the lights were shimmering and parallel curtains formed all over the sky. a green arc formed from one end of the horizon to the other. the arcs radiantly patterened dynamically , never still for a single moment. like the flames lit on a match, these green flames embered by the gods sang to the humans.<br />
<br />
he sat slowly on the cold thick sheet of hard snow, sinking to his knees and lied on his back. the black canopy forming the background to the strokes of the brush held in the hand of god. he didnt dare think of anything else , no words formed in his mind to describe this sight. the patterns ebbed and flowed, grey green and a border of red. slowly it faded, receding its magic. the last strokes not as bright but bringing the symphony to an end in a flourish. </div>
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let me tell you right away that there is nothing romantic about sitting on the floor outdoors in the cold night of a distant land clasping your cellphone close to your eyes so that the charge wouldnt run out. it feels like a unique moment of disaster waiting to happen, but you rather have it happen.<br />
<br />
that was the situation that our man here, lets call him mr.D found himself. mr.D was your run of the mill guy. average looks , a sheepish grin but with a quality unique that might not exist in an human being where he is from. mr.D managed to combine a suave charm into his intelligent wit along with some dance moves thrown into for good measure. mr.D though was a prisoner to his moods and the contemplative fits of reflections that made him the whiny little bitch he can be sometimes.<br />
<br />
so thats where you found yourself at the end of the night mr.M his friend asked him. mr.D not taking his eyes off from the monitor on which he had displayed the girls picture nodded vigorously. mr.M looked at mr.K and they both sighed at the unique helpless situation that mr.D found himself in.<br />
<br />
lets recount the events shall we mr.M said. wait a minute, interrupted mr.K, D why dont you repeat it in the style of yours.<br />
<br />
it was dark, sometimes everything was a blur sometimes and it was not, explained mr.D. he continued, i was there in my element you know .. nothing special but just in that moment. my head was alright but i was feeling a little more happy than usual. it was something about that city really, it was so enthusiastic or just such a nice friendly feeling. like nothing there could hurt me. i could be all stupid and be the brat and yet safe as a poodle. mr.D stopped and took a sip of water. mr.M slightly irritated, get on with it and lets get it done with. okay mr.patient mr.D said. well and then all of a sudden she appeared in my horizon, in the corner of my eyes. as with everything in life you get distracted from whats most important in life. her friend i am guessing shook my hand but left me immediately much to my dismay. i was distraught strictly in a dramatical sense. and then she appeared right in the center of my view. and i for no apparent reason talked to her for a bit , remarking how her friend left me high and dry. then it hit me, it struck me. this is it. the glint in her eye, the smile on her lips and the hair across her forehead captured all the five senses within me. it was like the most natural thing for me to say. would you dance with me, and with a shy agreeable shake in her head she gave me her hand. taking her hand i would lead her into the most engrossing dance i managed to. i forgot about everything around me , because it was only her that filled my field of view. i dont know about her, but the smile on her face conveyed that i should not stop dancing like the way i did. it was fun, we laughed and we shared conversations across that loud dancefloor with our eyes. i knew this was incredibly unfair to me. mr.D looked at mr.M and mr.K and was satisfied with their attention capacities. unfair that this was my last night and i meet her. she went to talk to her friends for a bit. and i felt like the world just turned completely empty for me. i couldnt wait for her to come back and look at me and tell me its alright mr.D i think you are a swell guy. you are a swell guy whom i could fall in love with.<br />
<br />
mr.M interrupted, well childlike imagination will only lead you into despair.<br />
<br />
mr.D continued, then we went out. out into the unknown world of that distant land. i just followed her steps and i was glad to hear her speak. she said her english was not good, but does it really matter. she already won me over. i talked to her. i wanted to impress her. i wanted her to know everything about me. i wanted to know everything about her. she was so radiant, her smile making everything else around her like the faded flowers in fall. while she shone like a pretty princess in the night, not an arrogant one though .. she had it in her, the quality of a girl. i talked long into the night. about her. hearing her hopes and dreams, her sighs and laughs. and then the moment arrived. she left, she said she has to leave. but not like this i cried, are you going to leave me like this. she took my phone , wrote her name and ran away. and i couldnt believe my luck since my phone battery was at zero. well let me tell you there is nothing romantic about sitting outside on the floor in the cold.<br />
<br />
just why .. not , mr.K asked his curiosity piqued.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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siddique was puzzled. kamlesh was in quiet contemplation. the winds carried her words with even more force. she adjusted her white dupatta across her petite frame, standing straight she looked at their faces. the darkness slowly enveloped the expressions into a montage of curiosity. the leaves of the tree all around rustled in anticipation. she felt a surge of electricity enveloping her senses. she continued, <br />
<br />
the culture of excess exists because its allowed to exist. the culture of consumerism and consumption is by-products of capitalism gone horribly wrong, capitalism is no longer used for whats it intended for. power has become more and more centralized in our democracy citing capitalism. democracy is based on will of the majority to elect peoples representatives who look out for the interests for the broader interest of the community where every single individual is a shareholder. but peoples representatives are now taken over by multinational corporations who have hijacked the interests of the larger sections of society to keep their own personal gardens safe and rich. in a country where more importance is given to the merits of an ipod than the problems associated with poverty and pollution, we should realize the democratic narrative is taken over by the corporation narrative. apple, microsoft, coco-cola while bringing some value to society are doing what they do to protect their self-interest. if apple was so interested in doing good for society why is it none of its products are open-source. anyways the companies originated where it originated from had a need, coco-cola did not originate in the united states when people were still in poverty. at that time the people there thought to improve basic necessities was more important. that should be the dialogue in the media here right now. not obessing ourselves with every gadget, every popular sub-culture of the world. why do people here who claim they want to do good for society not go to the improveished sections of society and tackle problems such as poverty and illiteracy head on. we can gain so much more and society can evolve so much more if only we organize ourselves collectively to prioritize decisions that matter to us .. to them , to people there on the streets. if and when we raise the majority of people to a standard where they dont worry about food, shelter and clothing should we prioritize armchair people sitting in airconditioned offices talking about doing good for society. gandhi said ...<br />
<br />
be the change you want to see in the world completed siddique walking towards cristine.<br />
<br />
kamlesh arched his eyebrows as he said , so you mean to say.<br />
<br />
yes she said. lets resign from our jobs. lets stop living the way we do, in our ensconced shells of pleasure because talking about all this and doing what we do only seems hypocritical. lets organize people into self sustaining cooperatives who can look after themselves without being influenced by the narrow interests of the marketing media who feed us and shape what we want so that we think thats what we need. lets look at amul for inspiration, lets look at gandhi, kurien .. bring them to the people.<br />
<br />
kamlesh looked at his watch. its almost time he thought. he looked at siddique, what about the others he asked. should we talk to them about this.<br />
<br />
cristine said , i resigned from my job today. i already started the revolution. </div>
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the culture of excess. thats what i abhor. i can go on and on how we are programmed, how society controls our actions and how we are so caught up in the worldly pursuit of things that we forget to live life .. just a little bit. we cant be completely happy and nor can we be perfect and nor there can be this perfect moment. life itself is an anamoly, if there was perfection there would be no evolution. we evolved to what we are today due to the anamoly, an accident. but the spirit of humankind is the attempt at perfection. the incremental progress that we strive for. the irony. life can be an accident, the law of large numbers. do you know that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing one is bound to reproduce the complete works of shakespeare.<br />
<br />
and we feel or sometimes we are even made to feel that imperfection is what we need to seek to resolve. the lack of perfect happiness is why we wonder our life is empty. in an attempt to satisfy this need people look in the wrong direction. corporations are made to take advantage of this with the never ending products and things and stuff. we are made to believe that if we buy a thing that somehow magically our emptiness will disappear. its a self fulfilling prophecy albeit a temporary one. your car will not give you happiness, buying armani will not give you happiness , buying a house will not. again am not saying you dont need to have it , but thats not what we are looking for. look inside yourself, think and think and analyze. be at peace with yourself. love yourself. not in the self narcissism that people now exhibit. its just impossible that life can be only about a house , car and some expensive clothes to wear. it cannot be an evolutionary goal. <br />
<br />
kamlesh paused for a bit. cristine looked at him .. she wryly thought this was the same guy who thought perfection existed. that was him alright. the one who pined for utopia, perfection, this pure unadulterated feeling that humans are capable of. the primal , the emotion that is stripped of all the mascara at its most skeletal form. all the pretentiouness gone with the wind, just the sincere truth that is him. but he was still sincere, only he could never accept in the past that an utopian society didnt exist. he demanded the sky of his friends. even from her. maybe only from her and possibly siddique. but he was a child lost in a candyshop. and when she fell from those lofty standards he set , he was deeply hurt. she knew it. it was inevitable. she tried to explain it to him but he wouldnt listen. but now he had made peace with it. he resigned himself to it, but given his way he would want to design utopia.<br />
<br />
siddique stood patiently listening to him. intellectualizing ideals that mattered not a bit for survival. he admired them but he knew it was only good to listen to it , revel in it. but then after they go back to their houses , the grind of life starts. you need to get a job, you need to earn money , you need to buy a house , you need to buy a car and so on. siddique realized the three of them are privileged, they didnt struggle for a house or food or education. yet the speech was profound and he would have his say later.<br />
<br />
the evening sun was slowly winding up its journey into those orange skies. they burned like the passion with which kamlesh spoke. the cool breeze wrapped the three of them in a bond of invisible faith. kamlesh paced up and down the marbled floors of the building terrace. siddique rested against the grey wall with his arms folded as he looked at the distant sun. he wondered when it will stay always shining in his life. he felt alone without kamlesh and cristine. he knew kamlesh and cristine loved each other in the most pristine manner possible but that was also why they could not express it. he just hoped that it would not eventually destroy their friendship. cristine shifted her hair and she looked at the distant sun and hoped it would never set on her.<br />
<br />
we should start a revolution. kamlesh was jolted by those words by cristine. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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like always siddique was ready with the equipment. the narrow streets were bustling with activity. kids all around playing the one and only game in india that could rock a nation into collective consiousness. cricket. followed by religious zeal, the sounds of ball hitting bat resonate as you walked across the tar paved street where kamlesh lived.<br />
<br />
it was quite a sight. concrete buildings erected next to each other in a straight line on either sides of the street to hold the bustling metropolis, each with its small courtyard just perfect to hold the cricket pitch .. all of 22 yards. and thats where all the action happened late into the evening before the dark skies enveloped the city. there was hardly any traffic in this inner lane and the street was part of the playground. each building would host a game with kids from the neighboring building joining in.<br />
<br />
but as always it was just siddique and kamlesh, on their turf matching their skills. kamlesh was a natural talent stroking the ball, fielding with energy and bowling like a madman. mostly it would be siddique charging in to kamlesh who would find the perfect placement. this was the only time that kamlesh would bully siddique with his unparalleled skills. and cristine would watch it from her terrace behind her science textbook. she would always long for something so that she too could be a part , sometimes she did .. but it was a mans game. she wanted to be part of their game, next to him part of his life. to get his attention she would always cheer siddique, she enjoyed getting under his skin.<br />
<br />
crash .. bang. she was broken from her imaginary world. she saw kamlesh and siddique rushing away from the scene of the broken glass windows of the neighbour. she couldnt react. before she could go away, the neighbor appeared,<br />
<br />
its kamlesh isnt it. you saw them playing here. tell me and ill make sure he never plays here.<br />
<br />
oh no , i dont think so. i was here all this while but i dont know. there was no one playing here. its from the other side i think.<br />
<br />
tell me the truth cristine, your dad will be angry if you lie.<br />
<br />
cristine saw kamlesh winking at her from the corner of the wall. her heart skipped a beat.<br />
with a smile she said, no i am not. honestly there was no one here.<br />
<br />
oh these kids, the exasperated neighbor went back to his evening dose of the reality show.<br />
<br />
kamlesh and siddique slowly walked out.<br />
<br />
thank you shouted siddique. cristine join us , we will play something different now right kamlesh.<br />
<br />
kamlesh looked at her hoping his face wouldnt give it all away. allright only today cristine but i generally dont like to play girly games.<br />
<br />
as she joined them , it was the familiar friendship and tales of gossip. the three musketeers slowly started their journey into life. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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she rolled over to his side , laughing ever so in a teasing manner. sitting on the bed his back rested against the wall as he watched her roll towards him. her smile revealed her pearly white teeth with her hair flowing across her face. the room was cozy and warm, with the books from yesterday scattered across the multi patterned rug. as he looked from the rug, across the room in the mirror he could see her back arched slightly as she lay in thought and at the same time smiling at him. the red saree that draped her lay softly as if in perfect unison with the body. he looked at her eyes, a million emotions held within waiting to be discovered.<br />
<br />
it was a fight against the odds. he didnt care. he didnt care when he first laid his eyes on her as she came striding towards him. he knew at that very moment he would want to share every moment of his life with her by his side. he was naive and young. didnt care what she thought or where she was from or what she wanted. the exuberance of youth consumed him ever so brightly. his passion overflowed while talking with her consuming her emotions for him. it was like this huge wave from the ocean that engulfed her with all its might. it was overpowering, every thought , every action, every moment was so consumed by her.<br />
<br />
<i>Heere moti main na chahoon<br />
Main to chahoon, Sangam tera,<br />
Mai to teri saiyaan, tu hai mera,<br />
Saiyaan, saiyaanaaaaaaaaaan<br />
Tu jo choole pyaar se, araam se mar jaaun<br />
Aaja chanda baahon mein tujhmein hi ghum ho jaaun mai,<br />
Tere naam mein kho jaaun,<br />
Saiyaan, saiyaaaaaaaaaaaaan.</i><br />
<br />
... as kailash kher played in the background. she rolled even more closer to him wanting to be a part of his journey into nostalgia. she knew him so much that it could only be dangerous. she knew his every thought , his action ... she smiled and got upto look at his face and gently stroked his cheek. that moment she felt an infinite energy sweeping into her. his pure unadulterated love quelled her doubts and she has never felt so vulnerable to anyone else. she took his head in her hands while she kissed his cheeks. as her lips lingered on his cheeks she could smell the faint traces of the perfume on his body. she wanted to soak in the moment. she closed her eyes and uttered "i wish this moment did not end."<br />
<br />
he turned his head, his forehead on hers. looking into her eyes , he searched for himself inside. he slowly kissed her lips as she came closer to him. "lets not speak because words are not enough." <br />
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<br /></div>
</div>
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no, please dont .. whimpered kamlesh amidst sounds of laughter. he knew he shouldnt have come alone to this part of the playground. but he had a way of getting lost in his own little tiny world. the three big boys gathered around him, one pushed him from behind and kamlesh knew what awaited him. he felt weak and scared. his voice barely registered a word. his throat dry and he was frantically hoping this would stop .. somehow just stop. suddenly a voice was heard. he recognized siddique. siddique walked right in keeping a brave face, kamlesh the principal wants you what are you playing here for ? mention of the school principal suddenly changed the attitude of the bullies. one boy patted kamlesh on the back, such a nice chap .. our good friend but run now to the principal but we will be looking out for you and with a wink the three guys left.<br />
<br />
the burnt photograph slipped out of his hand, as the memory of that day came flooding back to him. he had burnt his own face on that photograph in a fit of reflective rage. it was the three of them. siddique, him and cristine. now all that remained of the photograph was cristine and siddique standing with the third musketeer burnt to hell. kamlesh knew his world deserved no amends. the two musketeers would never forgive but his heart longed for that special feeling. </div>
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he was interrupted from his musings by the sun which glowed in the empty sky. the clouds hiding it moved further away dancing into the unknown. it felt just like home he thought. the skyline was no longer visible. he was all alone in the moment reflecting on that decision that changed the course of the life of three individuals. he wondered always, would life have changed if he had the courage to look beyond his principles. did he really have a choice ? does the course of life be determined by choices made by individuals, or is it like the course of water which does not really change by throwing some rocks into it. it still flows in the same direction overwhelming everything in its path.<br />
<br />
the images of that day were still alive. you changed she said looking at him, or were you always like this. so you wouldnt love me anymore if it challenged your principles. he looked aghast at her, you cant really compare this with that. its just ... answer me she said. there was a tone of finality in her voice. this was her moment of truth, the blind leap of faith for which she had forsaken everything. are you really asking me for an answer .. fumbling for words. she didnt say anything. every moment he hesitated she knew maybe , maybe he was a coward. yes he said walking past her. thats me he said not knowing what reaction he would get from her. he didnt think, he could not. his mind was a blank. she walked right away from him into the flames of catharsis. he held firm, sure in his belief.<br />
<br />
now twenty years he was not sure anymore. he pulled out the burnt photograph from happier times. he looked at her toothy smile. he knew he was not responsible for all that happened afterwards, but his words that day still weighed on him heavily. its not the significance of that day itself, but he felt like every moment of importance in his life later on was somehow influenced by that day. no matter what, he always thought about that day when something very important happened to him. afterall somehow he found himself in that very place where she looked at him with disappointment in her eyes. he only underestimated her love and overestimated her tolerance. </div>
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he stood there at the bottom of the stairs, looking up the winding staircases. he held the beam for support and narrow staircase beckoned him to climb them. his ears were filled with laughter, kids laughing and talking excitedly .. slowly it faded away. it came from a time past and returned there. isnt it true that every place you stay there is something of the place that becomes a part of you, which is disturbed into existence only when you go back there.<br />
<br />
the grey colors on the walls had stood the test of time. he climbed up slowly in the midst of a strange quietness. it was late in the afternoon. warm. humid. suddenly images of chaos and people jostling each other and urgent screams filled his brain. it faded away quickly, faster than the receding waves on the beach. did it feel the same, did it still mean something or was the search for meaning futile it its task he thought.<br />
<br />
its not fair, this is just not fair she pleaded looking at them. her eyes rested on him finally hoping that he would speak up for her. but he did not flinch, his eyes looked right back at her. its a fight of principles he thought and he cannot give it up. the search for answer lies not in a moment of weakness but in the moment of truth. he believed this to that moment, even painfully disagreeing with someone he long admired. it was decided. everybody left, except for her and him. standing there unmoved she looked at him boring into his mind to find a rational explanation. you didnt have to do this, he is our friend she implored. he is he agreed, but maybe he was and he definitely he is not one of us. does friendship mean more than principles he asked her. her eyes were fixed on the distant trees on the horizon, yes she said looking back at him just as my love for you means more than any principles in this world. </div>
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his heart was pumping as he made his way to the room. the sound was resonating all around him. and as he walked past the glass doors of the room he could see her sitting right there. in a ravishing green dress, her head bent downwards, her eyes forrowed looking at the book below her. it was the kinda look she gave when she was really lost in her world. he paused and looked at her, he wanted to be in her lost world. however he didnt know if today would be the end of all. her black hair left loose, while her lips forming a half smile. he hoped she would look up, see him and smile magnificently which reminded him of how his heart was so trapped in the confines of that 32 teeth. but this was not a movie hollywood or bollywood. and she didnt turn her head towards him.<br />
<br />
he tried unlocking the door, just couldnt think straight. hearing his half hearted attempt she stood up and went to open the door. she avoided all direct contact, his heart sank. </div>
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of days and nights<br />
where time has taken flight<br />
kind words and sweet nothings<br />
sent across miles with cupids arrow<br />
<br />
every minute and every hour<br />
is filled with whispered messages<br />
the heart is held sway and has surrendered<br />
to one smiling million miles away<br />
<br />
the eyes seem brighter every time he looks<br />
the smile looks beautiful every time he adores<br />
the face ever so lovely every time he glances<br />
it is but a photograph that he remembers her by<br />
<br />
all he wishes that she lie next to him<br />
hearing her laugh<br />
smelling her hair<br />
kissing her lips<br />
<br />
he might not be a magician<br />
nor even a knight in shining armour<br />
but what would he do to<br />
have a magic carpet or a horse<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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i paused, looking at ganesh. his brows furrowed he pursued his lips still munching on what i said. but before he could give his view, the doorbell rang. no one wanted to move, lest the state of equilibrium be disturbed. but i moved, along the way glanced at her pretty eyes wondering when she will look at me like she did that night.<br />
<br />
as i opened the door, a energetic voice bundled through the door. it was manasa. she punched me on my shoulders for my tease the other day. well i knew her emotions for ganesh but i didnt tell much to him directly. she went directly to the kitchen , to help herself to some samosas.<br />
<br />
manasa knew there was always a different feeling in this apartment, but today it was more than normal. as she bit the samosas she heard the familiar voice of ganesh booming in the room. not lest surprised she rather enjoyed his bombastic voice. "i guess we are talking about being independently making a choice as opposed to we being independent. though on second thoughts they seem to inter related. so when we say we dont have a choice, like free will which makes life deterministic but are we talking about there are choices and humans have the ability to choose independently of other external factors." summing up the inherent fuzziness of the conversation he got back to his beer while manasa distributed the samosas around and sat down next to him. </div>
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http://beta-lab.nl/content/my-debunked-reality<br />
<br />
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/02/science/02free.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2&</div>
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the mood was pensive, the snow was filling up the streets with what humanity increasingly showed. coldness. i rather lay on the couch to welcome the start of yet another weekend that would no doubt be filled with laziness and self introspection on the utility of achieving. i looked at her, she didnt say much. she was deep in her own thoughts figuring out how to survive another week of exams which might be highly irrelevant to her cause.<br />
<br />
"i am done." muthu said striding out of his room. with a sense of achievement and happiness visible on his face he walked to the fridge to pull out some beers. he looked around and questioned. i nodded my head, and ganesh still staring at his laptop held out his hand for the touch of that cold steel to warm his body. she didnt acknowledge and muthu didnt care.<br />
<br />
i smiled and exclaimed, "to this semester but muthu you didnt care to join us yesterday to the bar". taking a sip, he nonchalantly replied as is his wont, "didnt do anything and i wanted to achieve something before going out to party". she shrugged her shoulders and looked at him questioning his rationale. ganesh perked up, ""so is this a start of another discussion".<br />
<br />
her sweet voice filled my senses but i didnt look at her, least her lips seduce me all over again setting me on the path of self destruction. "is this after you read fountainhead or were you always like this" she said slowly. and i knew here comes another self indulgent monologue filled with half thought ideals. he launched into his new found philosophy, "yes ... its incredible, it inspires me. the single minded devotion to your passion. the single minded approach to what you want to do and achieve. being completely independent of everyone". she listened in rapt attention but i knew there was always a question lurking around somewhere. knowing her, her unquestionable ability to question everything and her capacity to accept conflicting views which in the first place made me fall in love with her, i knew she wont take it easily. but i was surprised. "i dont know what to make of it. its intense in a good way but i am not sure if such extreme ideas are beneficial in the long run". i looked at her quizzingly after our intense conversations into the darkest hours of the night. when she finally kissed me and filled my brain with her intelligence i knew maybe here is someone who finally challenges me. someone who i could forget wanting to impress and be with. then i never expected her to question that night, that night of us. i let it go. maybe time will give me her answer. i still loved how her hair fell slightly on her shoulders. i shrugged off the thoughts to hear ganesh speaking.<br />
<br />
".... again i am not saying its the only way but i feel strongly about it too." always the pacifist ganesh's middle ground appealed to me but then i knew i was no pacifist myself. "muthu for one, how can you say you can be completely independent. how can you say you can independent decisions. i think its the biggest bullshit and illusion fed to men of intelligence to boost their ego. unfortunately i was there once too ... " muthu interrupted, "yes i am independent. the choices i make are independent of anyone else. i do what i want to and i make choices that i want to." with a smug expression on his face he sat opposite to me. "you are not" i said, "your birth is the biggest example of how you cannot be independent. you are born and you are bound to the one who gave you birth. if she had chose to not give birth to you, you as a person would not exist. acknowledge that your existence is due to your parents. they raised you and provided you with food, shelter and love. that for me is another example. if they had not done what they did you would not be what you are today." muthu's expression softened a bit, his arrogance replaced by a sly understanding of those words. she looked at me, she thought about that night. she loved him but she slowly realized maybe his love can only be temporary. he was beyond her human limitations of understanding, he was far too intuitive for her to realize there would come a day when he would no longer be challenged by her. that would break her entire world completely. she loved him from her soul and that was the most terrifying part.<br />
<br />
with understanding comes humbleness, the fact that we are still a very small lever in this big universe of unknown forces. but still we are significant enough in our own way to feel our own presence in the eyes of others.<br />
<br />
"see, i understand all that." i knew he said it as an afterthought, not really understanding what i want to say, but merely to justify his stance. "but i mean right now i am independent, apart from those years when its natural to be dependent after a certain point i am and we all should be independent." i laughed a bit knowing where exactly we are going, "so our claim to be dependent or independent is totally upto our conveniance. so our choice to determine when we deem ourselves to be independent which is rather contradictory. for me the day i realized my existence is a product of my parents, all thoughts of being independent vanished. it made me realize that i can no longer arrogantly claim that i am an independent man."<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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what is of love that makes men go soft<br />
what is that love that makes the world disappear<br />
<br />
cause there is no love, <br />
like the love of two lovers swoon.<br />
<br />
the love is both fury and passion<br />
of untold desires <br />
and unquenched thirst<br />
<br />
its of silent understanding<br />
and breathless moments<br />
its of timeless conversations<br />
and easy laughter<br />
<br />
like a storm that calms those raging waves<br />
its the icey winds on the hottest day<br />
the feeling of being overwhelmed in the rains<br />
<br />
its of moments when you look in the eye<br />
and gently holding hands<br />
its of holding the cheek with fingers<br />
and brushing the strands of hair<br />
<br />
like the volcano of deep trembling lips<br />
the magnetic attraction of bodies drawn closer <br />
while the heart feels nothing else<br />
and the mind thinks nothing else <br />
<br />
of untouched temptations<br />
and raging desire<br />
while the body shivers like a guitar string<br />
in an innocent expression of love<br />
<br />
he who feels the love<br />
will want to be anyone else<br />
or want anything else <br />
anything less will be a parody of love itself</div>
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inspiration requires words from a friend or from literature.<br />
<br />
<br />
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.<br />
<br />
What you envision in your mind, how you see yourself, and how you
envision the world around you is of great importance because those
things become your focus.<br />
<br />
That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But it
is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it,
and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read
this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of
thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the
formation of the first link on one memorable day <br />
<br />
<em>“At some point in life you have to face your fears, and head on even
though you can’t be sure of the outcome. A great deal of people will
never reach their dreams and it won’t have anything to do with their
ability or skill set. They won’t reach their dreams because they were
too afraid to try.”</em><br />
<br />
<em><em>“If I had never taken the test, I could always say I would have
passed if I had taken it, I just did not feel like taking it. That way I
would never have to face my fears and I could create this illusion in
my mind to prevent me from feeling like a failure. I was good at that.”</em></em><br />
<br />
<em><em> </em> </em> <br />
Love who you love while you have them. That’s all you can do. Let them
go when you must. If you know how to love, you’ll never run out.<br />
<br />
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea
that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re
licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no
matter what. <br />
<br />
“Love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a
bandage for dirty sores. But they don't know it. Those who speak of
love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make
some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and
general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it
means to love as you and I know it - total passion for the total height -
you're incapable of anything less.” <br />
<br />
<br />
“I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not
you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of
magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone
sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who
cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.”<br />
<br />
<br />
“make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things
which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too
hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances
and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because
they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and
conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in
reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man
than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is
his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters
with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an
endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different
sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination
for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that
will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed
to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”<br />
<br />
do you know how it feels like to meet someone and talk without straining, without squeezing like the vacuum from a tube. <br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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he climbed down the stairs with the books in his hand. the stairs were slightly broken at the edges after long years of existence, the walls of the building badly required a painting job. brown stains probably from the watchmans paan chewing habits. with a song on his lips of the latest hindi hit he nonchalantly walked out the building. he wanted to come back and play his favourite game on the courtyard of his building with his friends. the buzz in the air was starting. school was ending and all kids were on the verge of starting their evening adventures. he walked down the road, it was sloping downwards which led to the chawls at the end. cars were parked on both sides of the road leaving a little space in the middle for people to walk. there never was any traffic in these interior streets of the swirling chaos that made up bombay.<br />
<br />
he walked down rapidly knowing he was a bit late. it was a familiar sight, with a familiar pattern on both sides of the road. high rise buildings with balconies, clothes were lined on them for drying in this hot indian sun. he wondered how many of his friends were behind those doors reading or watching television. he wondered how many cute girls were preparing themselves for the evening. his thoughts wandered to the exams next week. he needed to study hard, didnt want any more harsh words from his parents .. or his teachers or his private lessons tutor. he walked past the garbage dumping ground which reeked smell that only the stray dogs found attractive.<br />
<br />
as he wound around the chawls, he saw the "bhaiyyas" as they were termed were still sleeping in afternoon bliss. he could see their stomachs rhythmically vibrating to the snores, he wondered if they drank too much milk to cause it. as he emerged he saw the bustling part of his neighborhood, small shops, buses chugging past him, the autorickshaws waiting for their customers, not to mention the herd of buffaloes making their way to the shed. springing past and almost jogging he reached his private lessons. he rang the bell, focussing on the lessons to be read and the door opened. the girl opened the door and ran away instantly. he lost his thoughts for a bit ... it was her. in a red chudidhaar she looked lovely. he felt a warm happy fuzzy feeling rise in him. he entered the room where 16 students were crammed into, with books in hand and seriously reading for the exams next week. he looked around , smiled at her a bit .. and got down to reading.<br />
<br />
<br />"just wait for me after class can you". he nodded his head quietly lest anyone else heard them. there was nothing secretive about it, but somehow when the girl in your heart even says a couple of words its guarded zealously like the gold mines location. he put on his shoes and waited outside the door. in a bit she came out and smiled radiantly. she had to come up with an excuse, that she had to cook something up to talk to him which wont show her affection for him so openly. she was a little nervous but happy he was there waiting for her. he was kinda cute but shy. he hardly spoke to girls but his eyes were large and kind and beautiful. his smile was restrained like holding a jar of chocolates. she grabbed his hand without thinking and led him to the top of the building.<br />
<br />
his heart skipped a beat, he looked at her hand holding his and a sweet sensation swept through his body. he momentarily forgot that his friends were waiting for him to play his game. he momentarily forgot he had to go back home. he momentarily forgot everything.<br />
<br />
she opened the door to the terrace and the warm breeze greeted them. welcoming them to an age of innocence. she turned around and said, well i know you study well so can you help me with these lessons. she hoped that he wouldnt see through her excuse, that she was convincing as she said it. he nodded his head and they sat down. he didnt mind helping her, as he watched the sunrays play with her soft skin, her radiant black eyes lighting up everytime she got a right answer, her hands slowly turning the pages of the book over. her slender figure wrapped in that red chudidhaar she arced back everytime to look up towards the sky as if praying for the gods to rain.<br />
<br />
and suddenly it did, like only in india. a sudden downpour with no warning, heavy rains that drenched them in seconds. he waited for a bit to look at her as the raindrops fell on her cheeks. then covering the books they ran to safety. he was wet, she was shivering.<br />
<br />
with a smile she kissed him. he held her close and suddenly he blurted "i love you". it was the innocent expression of a 15 year old boy to a 14 year old girl. he knew neither its meaning nor its definition nor what was expected from him. but he knew that was the only way he could let her know about his affection for her. she laughed and kissed his cheek again. </div>
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she threw the cup of water on him. "so is this why you will never find love in your life ? a girl who cannot live upto your gold standards, stop living in the past". wiping his face, his normally smiling face turned a bit soft probably knowing what she is going to come up with next. "you are living in the past, let her go. it was 10 years ago damnit." trembling a bit he said, "what are you talking about". her rage only grew, "you very well know whom i am talking about. i dont know how she did it but for someone who has moved on she has captured your imagination. i dont think youll be able to love anyone and i dont think you love yourself." slamming the door shut she walked out on him, someone she loved for the last two years.<br />
<br />
he wiped his face and sat down. ten years ago she had told him, you know both of us are just the same. we dont want to end it, we dont know how to quit. and now he realized it is true but was left in the dark. he opened his email account and went through those conversations. he understood why he could not quit. it was everything, everything he ever wanted. time was not present when they were together. it was magical, it was natural. she understood him like no other, he could undertand her like no other. he could read her thoughts, she completed his sentences. it was soulmates in the true sense. she was funny and thoughtful. teasing and intuitive at the same time. with him she was fun, serious, intelligent, creative, ambitious, caring .. everything he admired. she inspired him to be himself and more. a great capacity to absorb and give. they completed each other. it was intense , it was crazy , it was left incomplete. he knew she had moved on, as probably girls do with a happily-ever-after. here he was haunted by yet another road not taken and drowning himself in the past. </div>
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"i met a girl, she said one thing. i said another. and before i knew it i wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. she makes me smile in a way that is highly neurotic, makes me think, makes me challenge myself, makes me love. it is you. the bad news is i dont know how to be with you right now. its a big bad world out there. and people have a way of blinking. blinking and missing the moment .. the moment that could have changed everything."<br />
<br />
californication.<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">subscribe here</div>void_spaceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08030851814129446536noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30349943.post-83279032611460226582013-06-27T05:09:00.002-07:002013-06-27T05:09:22.796-07:007th heaven <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"india is drowning" he said, smoking from his cigarette and the music from the laptop filled his senses. "i felt it then yet here i am knee deep in pointless self loathing". here it comes she thought, another diatribe how the fucking great things in life were missed by him. and that the world around him exists in superficial boredom that he could not care less about, her included. the worst part was that she agreed with him. she longed for him to look at her the way he looked at that photo.<br />
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he launched into his drivel, about the amazing conversation he had which made him forget the past, the future and the present. he was just in the moment looking at her, listening to her. he stopped for a bit. what would you do he asked if your every instinct, every gut feeling made you feel that you should be there with her and not here. how would you feel when you realize that every thought and all the senses were caught in that moment and the only way to feel better was to relive the moment. feel natural again, when you feel so amazing with a person everything else begins to feel like an insane lie.<br />
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she knew that his obsession would falter into a broken man built again by her. yet she waited for him to obsess one last time for her, write her a poem and immortalize her beauty like he did. she drank whatever was left of that vodka. as she pushed herself against the couch, she felt like she was standing at the edge of a volcano desperate to feel something. humanity lost what is real and she wanted to feel something , anything .. that she made the same mistakes over and over again. fucking till the end of time.<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">subscribe here</div>void_spaceshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08030851814129446536noreply@blogger.com0