the mood was pensive, the snow was filling up the streets with what humanity increasingly showed. coldness. i rather lay on the couch to welcome the start of yet another weekend that would no doubt be filled with laziness and self introspection on the utility of achieving. i looked at her, she didnt say much. she was deep in her own thoughts figuring out how to survive another week of exams which might be highly irrelevant to her cause.
"i am done." muthu said striding out of his room. with a sense of achievement and happiness visible on his face he walked to the fridge to pull out some beers. he looked around and questioned. i nodded my head, and ganesh still staring at his laptop held out his hand for the touch of that cold steel to warm his body. she didnt acknowledge and muthu didnt care.
i smiled and exclaimed, "to this semester but muthu you didnt care to join us yesterday to the bar". taking a sip, he nonchalantly replied as is his wont, "didnt do anything and i wanted to achieve something before going out to party". she shrugged her shoulders and looked at him questioning his rationale. ganesh perked up, ""so is this a start of another discussion".
her sweet voice filled my senses but i didnt look at her, least her lips seduce me all over again setting me on the path of self destruction. "is this after you read fountainhead or were you always like this" she said slowly. and i knew here comes another self indulgent monologue filled with half thought ideals. he launched into his new found philosophy, "yes ... its incredible, it inspires me. the single minded devotion to your passion. the single minded approach to what you want to do and achieve. being completely independent of everyone". she listened in rapt attention but i knew there was always a question lurking around somewhere. knowing her, her unquestionable ability to question everything and her capacity to accept conflicting views which in the first place made me fall in love with her, i knew she wont take it easily. but i was surprised. "i dont know what to make of it. its intense in a good way but i am not sure if such extreme ideas are beneficial in the long run". i looked at her quizzingly after our intense conversations into the darkest hours of the night. when she finally kissed me and filled my brain with her intelligence i knew maybe here is someone who finally challenges me. someone who i could forget wanting to impress and be with. then i never expected her to question that night, that night of us. i let it go. maybe time will give me her answer. i still loved how her hair fell slightly on her shoulders. i shrugged off the thoughts to hear ganesh speaking.
".... again i am not saying its the only way but i feel strongly about it too." always the pacifist ganesh's middle ground appealed to me but then i knew i was no pacifist myself. "muthu for one, how can you say you can be completely independent. how can you say you can independent decisions. i think its the biggest bullshit and illusion fed to men of intelligence to boost their ego. unfortunately i was there once too ... " muthu interrupted, "yes i am independent. the choices i make are independent of anyone else. i do what i want to and i make choices that i want to." with a smug expression on his face he sat opposite to me. "you are not" i said, "your birth is the biggest example of how you cannot be independent. you are born and you are bound to the one who gave you birth. if she had chose to not give birth to you, you as a person would not exist. acknowledge that your existence is due to your parents. they raised you and provided you with food, shelter and love. that for me is another example. if they had not done what they did you would not be what you are today." muthu's expression softened a bit, his arrogance replaced by a sly understanding of those words. she looked at me, she thought about that night. she loved him but she slowly realized maybe his love can only be temporary. he was beyond her human limitations of understanding, he was far too intuitive for her to realize there would come a day when he would no longer be challenged by her. that would break her entire world completely. she loved him from her soul and that was the most terrifying part.
with understanding comes humbleness, the fact that we are still a very small lever in this big universe of unknown forces. but still we are significant enough in our own way to feel our own presence in the eyes of others.
"see, i understand all that." i knew he said it as an afterthought, not really understanding what i want to say, but merely to justify his stance. "but i mean right now i am independent, apart from those years when its natural to be dependent after a certain point i am and we all should be independent." i laughed a bit knowing where exactly we are going, "so our claim to be dependent or independent is totally upto our conveniance. so our choice to determine when we deem ourselves to be independent which is rather contradictory. for me the day i realized my existence is a product of my parents, all thoughts of being independent vanished. it made me realize that i can no longer arrogantly claim that i am an independent man."