Monday, February 03, 2014

no, please dont .. whimpered kamlesh amidst sounds of laughter. he knew he shouldnt have come alone to this part of the playground. but he had a way of getting lost in his own little tiny world. the three big boys gathered around him, one pushed him from behind and kamlesh knew what awaited him. he felt weak and scared. his voice barely registered a word. his throat dry and he was frantically hoping this would stop .. somehow just stop. suddenly a voice was heard. he recognized siddique. siddique walked right in keeping a brave face, kamlesh the principal wants you what are you playing here for ? mention of the school principal suddenly changed the attitude of the bullies. one boy patted kamlesh on the back, such a nice chap .. our good friend but run now to the principal but we will be looking out for you and with a wink the three guys left.

the burnt photograph slipped out of his hand, as the memory of that day came flooding back to him. he had burnt his own face on that photograph in a fit of reflective rage. it was the three of them. siddique, him and cristine. now all that remained of the photograph was cristine and siddique standing with the third musketeer burnt to hell. kamlesh knew his world deserved no amends. the two musketeers would never forgive but his heart longed for that special feeling.

Sunday, February 02, 2014


he was interrupted from his musings by the sun which glowed in the empty sky. the clouds hiding it moved further away dancing into the unknown. it felt just like home he thought. the skyline was no longer visible. he was all alone in the moment reflecting on that decision that changed the course of the life of three individuals. he wondered always, would life have changed if he had the courage to look beyond his principles. did he really have a choice ? does the course of life be determined by choices made by individuals, or is it like the course of water which does not really change by throwing some rocks into it. it still flows in the same direction overwhelming everything in its path.

the images of that day were still alive. you changed she said looking at him, or were you always like this. so you wouldnt love me anymore if it challenged your principles. he looked aghast at her, you cant really compare this with that. its just ... answer me she said. there was a tone of finality in her voice. this was her moment of truth, the blind leap of faith for which she had forsaken everything. are you really asking me for an answer .. fumbling for words. she didnt say anything. every moment he hesitated she knew maybe , maybe he was a coward. yes he said walking past her. thats me he said not knowing what reaction he would get from her. he didnt think, he could not. his mind was a blank. she walked right away from him into the flames of catharsis. he held firm, sure in his belief.

now twenty years he was not sure anymore. he pulled out the burnt photograph from happier times. he looked at her toothy smile. he knew he was not responsible for all that happened afterwards, but his words that day still weighed on him heavily. its not the significance of that day itself, but he felt like every moment of importance in his life later on was somehow influenced by that day. no matter what, he always thought about that day when something very important happened to him. afterall somehow he found himself in that very place where she looked at him with disappointment in her eyes. he only underestimated her love and overestimated her tolerance. 

Saturday, February 01, 2014

the roots

he stood there at the bottom of the stairs, looking up the winding staircases. he held the beam for support and narrow staircase beckoned him to climb them. his ears were filled with laughter, kids laughing and talking excitedly .. slowly it faded away. it came from a time past and returned there. isnt it true that every place you stay there is something of the place that becomes a part of you, which is disturbed into existence only when you go back there.

the grey colors on the walls had stood the test of time. he climbed up slowly in the midst of a strange quietness. it was late in the afternoon. warm. humid. suddenly images of chaos and people jostling each other and urgent screams filled his brain. it faded away quickly, faster than the receding waves on the beach. did it feel the same, did it still mean something or was the search for meaning futile it its task he thought.

its not fair, this is just not fair she pleaded looking at them. her eyes rested on him finally hoping that he would speak up for her. but he did not flinch, his eyes looked right back at her. its a fight of principles he thought and he cannot give it up. the search for answer lies not in a moment of weakness but in the moment of truth. he believed this to that moment, even painfully disagreeing with someone he long admired. it was decided. everybody left, except for her and him. standing there unmoved she looked at him boring into his mind to find a rational explanation. you didnt have to do this, he is our friend she implored. he is he agreed, but maybe he was and he definitely he is not one of us. does friendship mean more than principles he asked her. her eyes were fixed on the distant trees on the horizon, yes she said looking back at him just as my love for you means more than any principles in this world. 

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

love, life and hate in the modern world

this modern life, every life is modern in the commentary of the person writing about life and weighty issues such as love and hate. and i dont know much about love and hate and life, and if over the ages was it any diffferent from now. from various accounts i have come to a conclusion that in the years before due to lack of instant communication, the issue of courting a suitor was to be much thought about. it was not about sending instant text messages. you cant break over an email that can be really harsh to the person reading it. take notice people of this generation !
back in the shakespeare days, roses and poems ruled the roost. while suitors wrote lengthy poems and weighed the issue of love with careful consideration. i am not sure however how many times they fall in love apparently in a lifetime.

here i find the word thrown around losely. the word love has now come to signify anything of remote importance. i love my dog, i love facebook , i love you , i love my friend , i love snails , i love. even if we take the narrow self indulgent definition of i love a person, it has come to my notice that people fall in love like a million times in their lives. instant communication, the churning of people from different regions has resulted in greater choices for the people. before you can even think, you can send a text message to a person claiming how much you loved that person today morning. only to find out that if the person doesnt reply back for your mood to foul in a couple of hours and you instantly send another message with the word love replaced by hate in the same sentence. the superficiality of instant communication really arises through all this.

whatever makes you happy, right. not one to judge but given that everybody idealizes love as finding that special someone its just hilarious how quickly can a person be a special someone to a special someone not. many if not everybody want a white dress, some bells , nice music on that special day and the perfect moment to liberate them from the monotonous melancholy of life. as if it was the saviour of everything that has gone wrong in this world. if it is so important then why do people haste in matters such as love and hate and life.

everybody goes around wanting to find someone, special or not. even the single 40 year olds trust me, how much they tell you they are really happy single they rather be the sad married woman who has 3 kids with no life. we might find someone who loves you for who you are. dont let it go. dont let it go for a few years of banging some random persons on a faraway holiday destination. dont throw it all away. that holiday you dream of is an illusion, it does not exist. life is real there in your house, with the guy you are confused about.

take the plunge. face the real life. make some hot love. deal with the problems. kiss passionately. fight vigorously. but most of all love the person from the bottom of your heart.

Monday, October 07, 2013

the magic that never returned

his heart was pumping as he made his way to the room. the sound was resonating all around him. and as he walked past the glass doors of the room he could see her sitting right there. in a ravishing green dress, her head bent downwards, her eyes forrowed looking at the book below her. it was the kinda look she gave when she was really lost in her world. he paused and looked at her, he wanted to be in her lost world. however he didnt know if today would be the end of all. her black hair left loose, while her lips forming a half smile. he hoped she would look up, see him and smile magnificently which reminded him of how his heart was so trapped in the confines of that 32 teeth. but this was not a movie hollywood or bollywood. and she didnt turn her head towards him.

he tried unlocking the door, just couldnt think straight. hearing his half hearted attempt she stood up and went to open the door. she avoided all direct contact, his heart sank. 

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

so far away

of days and nights
where time has taken flight
kind words and sweet nothings
sent across miles with cupids arrow

every minute and every hour
is filled with whispered messages
the heart is held sway and has surrendered
to one smiling million miles away

the eyes seem brighter every time he looks
the smile looks beautiful every time he adores
the face ever so lovely every time he glances
it is but a photograph that he remembers her by

all he wishes that she lie next to him
hearing her laugh
smelling her hair
kissing her lips

he might not be a magician
nor even a knight in shining armour
but what would he do to
have a magic carpet or a horse

Monday, July 22, 2013

the middle

i paused, looking at ganesh. his brows furrowed he pursued his lips still munching on what i said. but before he could give his view, the doorbell rang. no one wanted to move, lest the state of equilibrium be disturbed. but i moved, along the way glanced at her pretty eyes wondering when she will look at me like she did that night.

as i opened the door, a energetic voice bundled through the door. it was manasa. she punched me on my shoulders for my tease the other day. well i knew her emotions for ganesh but i didnt tell much to him directly. she went directly to the kitchen , to help herself to some samosas.

manasa knew there was always a different feeling in this apartment, but today it was more than normal. as she bit the samosas she heard the familiar voice of ganesh booming in the room. not lest surprised she rather enjoyed his bombastic voice. "i guess we are talking about being independently making a choice as opposed to we being independent. though on second thoughts they seem to inter related. so when we say we dont have a choice, like free will which makes life deterministic but are we talking about there are choices and humans have the ability to choose independently of other external factors." summing up the inherent fuzziness of the conversation he got back to his beer while manasa distributed the samosas around and sat down next to him.