no, please dont .. whimpered kamlesh amidst sounds of laughter. he knew he shouldnt have come alone to this part of the playground. but he had a way of getting lost in his own little tiny world. the three big boys gathered around him, one pushed him from behind and kamlesh knew what awaited him. he felt weak and scared. his voice barely registered a word. his throat dry and he was frantically hoping this would stop .. somehow just stop. suddenly a voice was heard. he recognized siddique. siddique walked right in keeping a brave face, kamlesh the principal wants you what are you playing here for ? mention of the school principal suddenly changed the attitude of the bullies. one boy patted kamlesh on the back, such a nice chap .. our good friend but run now to the principal but we will be looking out for you and with a wink the three guys left.

the burnt photograph slipped out of his hand, as the memory of that day came flooding back to him. he had burnt his own face on that photograph in a fit of reflective rage. it was the three of them. siddique, him and cristine. now all that remained of the photograph was cristine and siddique standing with the third musketeer burnt to hell. kamlesh knew his world deserved no amends. the two musketeers would never forgive but his heart longed for that special feeling.

catharsis

he was interrupted from his musings by the sun which glowed in the empty sky. the clouds hiding it moved further away dancing into the unknown. it felt just like home he thought. the skyline was no longer visible. he was all alone in the moment reflecting on that decision that changed the course of the life of three individuals. he wondered always, would life have changed if he had the courage to look beyond his principles. did he really have a choice ? does the course of life be determined by choices made by individuals, or is it like the course of water which does not really change by throwing some rocks into it. it still flows in the same direction overwhelming everything in its path.

the images of that day were still alive. you changed she said looking at him, or were you always like this. so you wouldnt love me anymore if it challenged your principles. he looked aghast at her, you cant really compare this with that. its just ... answer me she said. there was a tone of finality in her voice. this was her moment of truth, the blind leap of faith for which she had forsaken everything. are you really asking me for an answer .. fumbling for words. she didnt say anything. every moment he hesitated she knew maybe , maybe he was a coward. yes he said walking past her. thats me he said not knowing what reaction he would get from her. he didnt think, he could not. his mind was a blank. she walked right away from him into the flames of catharsis. he held firm, sure in his belief.

now twenty years he was not sure anymore. he pulled out the burnt photograph from happier times. he looked at her toothy smile. he knew he was not responsible for all that happened afterwards, but his words that day still weighed on him heavily. its not the significance of that day itself, but he felt like every moment of importance in his life later on was somehow influenced by that day. no matter what, he always thought about that day when something very important happened to him. afterall somehow he found himself in that very place where she looked at him with disappointment in her eyes. he only underestimated her love and overestimated her tolerance. 

the roots

he stood there at the bottom of the stairs, looking up the winding staircases. he held the beam for support and narrow staircase beckoned him to climb them. his ears were filled with laughter, kids laughing and talking excitedly .. slowly it faded away. it came from a time past and returned there. isnt it true that every place you stay there is something of the place that becomes a part of you, which is disturbed into existence only when you go back there.

the grey colors on the walls had stood the test of time. he climbed up slowly in the midst of a strange quietness. it was late in the afternoon. warm. humid. suddenly images of chaos and people jostling each other and urgent screams filled his brain. it faded away quickly, faster than the receding waves on the beach. did it feel the same, did it still mean something or was the search for meaning futile it its task he thought.

its not fair, this is just not fair she pleaded looking at them. her eyes rested on him finally hoping that he would speak up for her. but he did not flinch, his eyes looked right back at her. its a fight of principles he thought and he cannot give it up. the search for answer lies not in a moment of weakness but in the moment of truth. he believed this to that moment, even painfully disagreeing with someone he long admired. it was decided. everybody left, except for her and him. standing there unmoved she looked at him boring into his mind to find a rational explanation. you didnt have to do this, he is our friend she implored. he is he agreed, but maybe he was and he definitely he is not one of us. does friendship mean more than principles he asked her. her eyes were fixed on the distant trees on the horizon, yes she said looking back at him just as my love for you means more than any principles in this world.